A PRIVATE MATTER
A 10-Minute Play
By Mary Ellen Swee
Copyright © 2022 by Mary Ellen Swee.
All Rights Reserved.
All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to: Mary Ellen Swee
325 Wimbledon Court
Lake Bluff, IL 60044
847-922-5242
CHARACTERS:
LUCY, wife of Max, 40s
MAX, husband of Lucy, 50s
HAILEY, wife of Ted, 30s
TED, husband of Hailey, 30s
TIME:
A recent winter.
PLACE:
A suburb north of Chicago.
We are on the first floor of an
open-plan suburban house. A tall
table with two stools indicates a
kitchen island. Bottles of water
are on the island, and a coatrack
stands nearby. The kitchen flows
into a den area signified by a
comfortable arm chair with an
ottoman. A side table is next to
the chair. Atop the side table is
a tv remote control.
Winter wind howls as MAX and LUCY
enter the kitchen area from an
imagined door, stamping their feet
to suggest the casting off of
snow. When LUCY tries to help her
husband remove his cold weather
gear, MAX pulls away and manages
the task himself. LUCY then begins
taking off her own outerwear and
hanging it on the rack. MAX
removes a phone from his coat
pocket.
LUCY
Are the results posted?
MAX
It’s too soon to check.
LUCY
The results might be posted. Why don’t you check your phone?
MAX
Lucy, for God’s sake, radiology said it will take twenty-four hours. It’s been exactly two.
LUCY
We need to make plans, Max. The remodel, the trip, whether you should take early retirement.
MAX
What’re you talking about — plans? Early retirement? You have no idea what the results will say.
LUCY
I have an idea alright – about doctors finding what they’re looking for. It’s to their advantage to find something.
MAX
A vote of confidence – for Max and his medical team, from a loyal wife.
LUCY
What does loyalty have to do with a spot on your lung? You think I put it there? Somehow wished it there?
MAX
(distantly)
I never even smoked. . .ever.
LUCY
There was that year when –
MAX
I am not a smoker. I never was.
LUCY
And you run. Always, you’ve been running.
MAX
And I run.
(pause)
On weekends, I run with Ted. He’s still a young man, and I could beat him.
LUCY
Why are you bringing that up?
MAX
(acting dumb)
Bringing what up?
LUCY
You know what I’m talking about – running with Ted, beating him.
MAX suddenly reaches for the
island to steady himself.
LUCY
Max!
MAX
I’d better sit down.
MAX heads to the chair in the den,
sits, and takes a breath. He sets
his phone on the side table.
Meanwhile, LUCY gets a bottle of
water from the kitchen island and
hurries it over.
LUCY
They said drink plenty of water. We’re supposed to flush the bad stuff out.
LUCY sits on the ottoman. MAX
takes a sip and makes a disgusted
face but continues to sip.
MAX
Anything but water.
LUCY
Max. . .We should call Annie.
MAX
(choking on water)
Call Annie? Why the hell would we call Annie? We don’t have any results yet.
LUCY
She needs to know. Annie will lose it if she finds out her father’s hiding medical tests. She’ll say you always conceal whatever’s important.
MAX
Annie needs to grow up and learn that everybody’s business is not her business.
LUCY
But –
MAX
(suspiciously)
You didn’t tell her.
LUCY
I didn’t want to tell anyone.
MAX
We agreed that this was a private matter. A private matter.
LUCY
We agreed.
MAX
Between me and you – for the time being.
LUCY
Between us. Yes, until after we get the results.
MAX picks up the remote and turns
on a show. He stares at the
screen. LUCY places a hand on his
knee.
LUCY
Max, what was it like?
MAX
I don’t want to talk.
LUCY
Getting those pictures. Did they take good care of you?
MAX
Good care of me? I was at the hospital, Lucy, not a spa.
(sipping water)
And it’s ‘scans,’ not ‘pictures.’
(pause)
They tell you to drink some purple crap. Then two mortician-types slide you through the hole in a doughnut the size of The Bean. It says Siemens on top.
LUCY
Siemens?
MAX
The company that makes the doughnut. It’s all you can see from the table when they put you down. One word. No windows, no art. Just a brand – while they’re hunting for a spot on your lung.
There is muffled pounding at the
kitchen door.
MAX
What the —
LUCY
Who knows?
LUCY pushes the bottle toward her
husband, but he will not drink.
LUCY
Plenty of water.
LUCY gives up and goes to the
kitchen door. She cracks it open.
LUCY
Max! Look who’s here!
TED
(through the crack in the door)
Are you going to let us in?
HAILEY
It’s freezing!
LUCY opens the door farther. The
sound of winter wind is heard.
LUCY
Ted and Hailey!
TED and HAILEY enter, bundled in
cold weather gear and stamping
their feet. Each carries a food
container. MAX gets up and heads
to the kitchen.
TED
Hello, neighbors! We come –
HAILEY
bearing gifts.
(setting her container on the island)
Baked garlic tofu. Low in fat and nutrient-rich.
TED
(setting his container on the island)
Egg white crisps. They’re keto-friendly.
HAILEY AND LUCY
(singsong-y, imitating an ad)
Improve your longevity!
TED
(overly-cheerful)
So, Max, how’d it go?
MAX
Go?
HAILEY
The pictures at the hospital. Did you get results yet?
MAX
(peeved)
Lucy?
LUCY
‘Scans,’ not ‘pictures.’ He wants us to say ‘scans.’
HAILEY
How did the ‘scans’ go?
MAX
(very peeved)
It’s a private matter. Isn’t it, Lucy?
LUCY
I didn’t tell them.
HAILEY
That’s exactly what Annie said he would say – ‘a private matter.’
TED
Exactly.
MAX
(sharply)
Then Annie was right – for once.
LUCY
Max, stop.
TED
Hey, Max. Let’s back off.
MAX
You back off, Teddy.
LUCY
He’s not himself today.
TED puts one arm around LUCY and
the other around HAILEY, as if to
shield them from MAX’s discontent.
TED
Annie told us about the scans – not Lucy.
LUCY
I didn’t know they knew.
MAX
(sarcastically)
Teddy’s twofer – one for each arm.
TED removes his arms. LUCY and
HAILEY step away.
TED
Look here, Max. It was Annie who called us – to say you were going in for tests.
HAILEY
She asked us to keep it on the down-low. And we did.
MAX
So that’s why we’re all of us gathered here, standing around my kitchen island, talking about some lousy pictures. Because nobody told anybody anything. Right, Lucy?
HAILEY
Annie thought we should stop by with food.
TED
We said we could.
HAILEY
Of course, we could. We’re your neighbors, your friends.
Fed up, MAX returns to his chair.
He changes channels, eyes fixed on
the screen. He takes sips of
water. LUCY, HAILEY, and TED move
toward the kitchen door, speaking
in low voices.
LUCY
He doesn’t want to talk. Or check for results. He won’t even let me call Annie.
HAILEY
Maybe he’s –
LUCY
The results could be posted already. But we’re not allowed to look until tomorrow.
HAILEY
He’s probably scared to death.
TED
About what they’ll find. It’s their job – to find things.
LUCY
That’s what I said.
TED
A spot. On an actual lung. I’d be scared out of my mind.
HAILEY
(to Lucy)
It must be hard on you.
LUCY
You know what’s hard? Getting him down to St. Claire’s – in this weather! He asked would I drive. I told you, he’s not himself. Max hates it when I drive.
TED and HAILEY each take one of
LUCY’s hands to comfort her.
LUCY
I could have killed him. We fishtailed all over the place. And here I am driving, with Max pretending like there’s nothing to discuss.
(sniffling, as if about to cry)
The guy has never been sick. He used to brag about it. Brag. It was embarrassing. And there we are, on our way to the hospital, for God’s sake, ice and snow all over the place.
HAILEY rubs LUCY’s back.
TED
Healthy people are the worst. They don’t know how to do sick.
HAILEY
They’re the worst.
LUCY
It’s just that he’s not his usual self. You heard him – insulting his own daughter.
(crying softly)
If he would just check the freakin’ phone. So we could move on – make plans, cancel plans… His pension is crazy big. He could retire tomorrow.
HAILEY
You’ve got the remodel in March.
TED
Palermo is set for May – all of us together.
HAILEY
We shouldn’t have booked a walking tour. What if he can’t breathe in May.
They all hug. LUCY opens the door.
HAILEY
Brr!
TED and HAILEY exit. TED gives
LUCY a thumbs-up and a wink on his
way out. LUCY goes to the den. She
sits on the ottoman.
MAX
Group session over?
LUCY
I’m sorry.
MAX
You spilled the beans.
LUCY
I’m really sorry.
MAX
We agreed. It was a private matter – until the results were posted.
LUCY
I only told Annie. I didn’t want to. I needed support.
MAX
Support? I’m the one with the damn spot. I’m the one stuck with a panicked wife who goes behind my back for her ‘support.’
MAX starts to cough. A ping sounds
on his phone.
LUCY
(looking over at the phone)
Max, please, we need to know. Why won’t you check?
MAX slowly shakes his head.
MAX
Because, Lucy, I don’t want to know.
End of play.
Comments