CHARACTERS:
OLIVER MALONEY, husband of Patricia,50s
PATRICIA MALONEY, wife of Oliver, 50s
RON, projectionist at a community theater, 30s
TIME:
The present.
PLACE:
A suburb north of Chicago.
We are at a small movie theater inside a suburban
community center. PATRICIA and OLIVER are
the only ones present. They sit side-by-side, their
chairs facing where the screen would be. There is
no screen, however, so they are looking out at the
audience. A long, high table standing behind them
suggests a projection booth. PATRICIA’s coat is
draped across a chair next to where she sits.
OLIVER holds a large bag of store-bought popcorn
on his lap.
PATRICIA
Romantic?
OLIVER
Yes, they thought it would be romantic.
PATRICIA
Sitting in an empty theatre? To watch an old movie all by ourselves?
OLIVER
Classic, not old.
PATRICIA
Old.
OLIVER
It’s a great anniversary gift. You should be thankful.
PATRICIA
Right.
OLIVER
How many kids would break the bank to rent out an entire theater for their parents? So we could watch a classic Hollywood movie on our anniversary?
PATRICIA
An old Hollywood movie.
OLIVER
You’re the only person I’ve ever met who hates Casablanca.
PATRICIA
(squirming)
What time is it?
OLIVER
(checking his watch.)
Almost 8:10.
PATRICIA
It was supposed to start at 8.
PATRICA turns around in her seat to look back at
the projection booth.
PATRICIA
Where’s the projectionist?
OLIVER
You want to get this over with.
PATRICIA
As quickly as possible.
OLIVER
What’s the matter with you?
OLIVER pulls open the popcorn bag and holds it
out for PATRICIA.
OLIVER
I brought popcorn.
PATRICIA
I don’t want any of your damn popcorn.
OLIVER
What?
PATRICIA
I don’t want to watch your shitty old movie. Especially not with you sitting next to me. Especially not in an empty theater.
OLIVER
Then why did you come? Why did you sit down next to me?
(pause)
You had a whole theater full of seats to choose from.
PATRICIA
Because if I don’t like the anniversary gift, I’d never hear the end of it. You’d announce to the children that I wouldn’t sit next to you. You’d say their mother is an ungrateful bitch.
(pause)
I saw you with her.
OLIVER
What?
PATRICIA
I saw you sitting with her outside of Henry’s – under the red umbrella at a café table. You were petting her dog!
OLIVER
Oh, now I get it. Now I get what’s going on.
PATRIICIA
(sarcastically)
A German shepherd, I believe.
OLIVER
Patty, it was nothing – less than nothing – a cup of coffee.
PATRICIA
You don’t drink coffee.
OLIVER turns around in his seat to look back at the
projection booth.
OLIVER
Where the hell is that projectionist?
PATRICIA
Maybe he went to get coffee. With his wife’s sister, for God’s sake!
PATRICIA and OLIVER stare out into the audience.
PATRICIA
You want me to walk out. You can’t wait for me to hate the movie – to despise the empty theater. You probably suggested the gift to the kids. You probably helped them pay for it.
OLIVER
Patricia, you have lost it.
PATRICIA
Because you know how bad that would make me look – if I were to walk out.
OLIVER
You’ve really lost it.
PATRICIA
The ‘gift’ is like a trick. To make me into a villain, so the kids will feel sorry for you.
OLIVER
(slow-clapping)
Bravo, Patty, for another one of your crazy conspiracy theories.
OLIVER holds out the bag of popcorn like it’s a
trophy. PATRICIA pushes it away and reaches for
her coat. Some popcorn falls out on the floor.
PATRICIA
I said I don’t want any of your popcorn. You know the kernels get stuck in my teeth.
( putting her coat on)
That’s it. I’m out of here.
RON runs into the theater. He is breathless and
sweaty.
RON
Mr. and Mrs. Maloney? You waited! Fender bender in the parking lot – guy hit me from behind!
(heading to the projection booth)
Ready to roll? Your kids picked a good one. A true classic. One of the best romances in Hollywood history.
RON adjusts himself in the projection booth.
PATRICIA removes her coat and sits back down.
OLIVER scoops the fallen popcorn up from the
floor.
PATRICIA
Go ahead and watch your old movie. I’m taking a nap.
PATRICIA pulls her coast up over her body like it’s
a blanket. OLIVER stuffs the popcorn into his
mouth.
PATRICIA
Wake me up when it’s over.
End of play.
Copyright © 2022 by Mary Ellen Swee.
All Rights Reserved.
All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to:
Mary Ellen Swee
325 Wimbledon Court
Lake Bluff, IL 60044
847-922-5242
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